Too Much Grace?
When I began this blog project I had a few parameters in mind. One was authentic. Another was natural and not forced. I never want to write a post just to write one. That’s why I have occasionally skipped a week…. I really had nothing to say that I felt needed to be said. As I think about what to write in each of my posts, I am often brought to the question, “What is God teaching me right now?”. One thought that’s been on my mind lately is the idea of what it means to do my job well. (When I say “job”, I mean being a wife and a stay-at-home, homeschool mom.) I’ve been doing the full-time mom thing for almost 16 years now. I’ve gone through stages where I didn’t sit down all day long, except to rock a baby, as well as stages where I was completely exhausted and really downright lazy.
As I think back to when I first became a mom, social media was just getting started. The only comparison I had was to the people I saw face to face. We rarely watched TV and when we did it was some stupid sitcom that had nothing to do with our stage of life. Not long after Will was born, Facebook became a thing. I was leery of it at first. I wasn’t sure what it was or if it was safe. However, living 900 miles from our family gave me reason to jump on board pretty quickly. I was able to post pictures of my handsome little boy for all of my faraway friends and family to ooh and ahh over. It felt good to “hear” comments of how handsome and smart he was, since I wasn’t able to get that in person. It became similar to an addiction…. who is going to comment and how many people are going to like my pictures?
Not long after that I was introduced to Pinterest. First it was recipes, then crafts, then home decor. There are also a multitude of “pins” on how to throw the perfect birthday party and do make-up flawlessly. Whatever topic I come up with, I can guarantee someone has done it better… and has pinned it.
It took me a little longer to jump on board with Instagram, but indeed I did. Then it was how many likes and how many followers. With all of these outlets in my life, how could I not fall into the comparison game?
As my babies got older and social media became a larger presence in the world, I worked really hard to do something - anything - that was worthy of a like or a pin. I wrote the book on #pinterestfails. Yes, my little men have had great birthday parties and delicious cakes, but were they good enough? Maybe if I just tried harder next time or started planning earlier, I could make it a little better. I never felt quite good enough. Were my kids even going to enjoy their childhood if I was such a failure as a mom?
Obviously looking back, it seems silly. My kids don’t remember if their cakes were perfect or if the Valentines we made for their class were best-in-show. I actually have made some pretty cool cakes, if I do say so myself. I’m not sure they are Pinterest-worthy, but my boys sure were happy with them. I’m learning that’s what matters.
I believe there’s another end of the social media spectrum, as well. It’s also a dangerous trap that I have found myself in more often than I would like to admit. I've probably found myself on this end in the most recent years. It’s the idea of the “hot mess” mom. It’s the mindset that anything goes and as long as my kids are fed, who cares what else happens. The house is a mess and I haven’t showered and we are having leftovers for dinner again. Now, please hear my heart. There are days where this is reality and it’s okay. Those days need grace and grace is a beautiful thing. However, I believe this can become the norm if I let it. I don’t believe that’s okay. I can’t let myself drown in excuses for not being diligent in the most important work on the planet - managing our household, which includes being the wife and mom my family needs and God designed me to be.
The Proverbs 31 woman can seem out of reach. She was a literal superwoman. However, if I choose to compare myself to anyone, she’s the one I need to be comparing myself to. When I read that section of scripture (Proverbs 31:10-31), I can feel overwhelmed, but there are a few things that come to mind above anything else.
Diligence. This woman was diligent. She worked hard to complete the necessary tasks so that her life and her family ran smoothly. She made sure they had what they needed and she had no need to worry. What does this look like for me practically? Some days it means putting down my phone and washing the dishes instead of watching Instagram stories in order to allow dinnertime prep to happen more effortlessly. It means putting laundry away instead of taking a nap. It means trading a game on my phone for working a puzzle with a little boy. At the end of the day, which choice is going to show up as the better one? Which one is going to make a lasting difference in the atmosphere of our home?
Wisdom. The Proverbs 31 woman was wise in her decisions. She wasn’t flippant or irrational. She didn’t make her decisions based on emotion or drama. She had no need to worry because she knew she had done her job and she had done it well. How does this play out in real life? For me, I believe planning ahead makes a huge difference in our family. It could look like budgeting before the paycheck comes - eliminating impulse purchases. It may be planning meals ahead of time - cutting out cereal or leftovers for dinner. In reality, making our decisions ahead of time can eliminate making decisions with emotion. These are usually the more wise decisions.
Faithfulness. She is first and foremost a faithful servant of God, but she is also a faithful wife. Her husband has complete confidence in her because she has proven herself faithful. She manages their family well and he has reason to praise her. I can pretty much guarantee he was happy to come home to her after a hard day at work. What does this look like in today’s reality? First of all, I believe it means working as a team. In God’s design, men and women have very unique and beautiful roles. If we do things as originally intended, we complement each other. In our family, my role is to manage the daily household tasks and take care of the boys. This doesn't mean Matt is off the hook with those, but he works a full-time job as well. He works hard to provide for us and I can’t take that lightly. If he didn’t do his job, we wouldn’t have a roof over our heads or food on our table. My desire is for him to walk in the door and know he’s in a place where he can relax and know that he is loved. This is not always the reality, as there are many times the dishes haven’t been washed and the counter is piled high with stuff. However, it is my goal to be faithful in my job so he is excited to walk in that door after a day at work.
There are a lot of things that can be gleaned from this passage of scripture. Thousands of messages have been preached on it - most of them probably on Mother’s Day. I believe each time we study a particular section of the Bible, God can teach us something new. Before I had kids, this passage meant something very different to me than it does now. Just like every other part of God’s Word, it gets richer each time I come back to it.
A pastor friend of ours once said, “Competition and comparison are the catalysts to not becoming what God wants you to be”. He was actually speaking on this passage of scripture - and it was Mothers Day ;). God created each of us to do the same basic thing - obey His Word. No one is exempt from that. God also created each of us with a specific purpose. God has called me to stay at home and homeschool our kids. Others have been called to work a full time job. Some are called to work part time or work from home. Each of these are equally important because it’s The Call that matters. The question is, am I making excuses and giving myself too much grace or am I doing what I am called to do and am I doing it diligently, faithfully and with wisdom?