Frozen pizza and dirty underwear
As I sit here in my partially made-over room looking at a pile of laundry on my bed (which is made, by the way), I think about this year so far. If you read my blog post at the beginning of January, you read about how we had committed to going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. We found a Bible reading plan and had started working through it. We were intent on spending time in the Word and working out every morning before our day really began. I wouldn’t call these resolutions, but the beginning of the year is a good time for, well, beginning. For recommitting. For evaluating and reprioritizing.
So, how’s that going for us, you ask? We recommitted. We evaluated and reprioritized…. for a few days. I’m slowly learning that I’m not expected to get it all right. I’m not graded on my performance. I’m not failing because my son doesn’t have any clean underwear or we threw in a couple of frozen pizzas for dinner. Or because my two school-aged children are behind in math. Even though it’s my fault because I haven’t kept up with grading as I should have. I have a lot on my plate. I wear a lot of hats. I’m expected to do a lot of things.
After I wrote my first post of 2021, Matt’s dad became progressively worse and passed away 2 days later. Life altering events have a way of forcing us to reprioritize quickly. In my father-in-law’s last moments, he became much higher on the list of priorities. Time spent with him was more important than anything else in our lives. The next week and a half were a whirlwind. We stopped school. We stopped exercising. We even stopped spending consistent time in the Word. Our schedules were off - staying up late and getting up late. Exhaustion soon set in. However, those next several days were very rich and beautiful in their own way. We spent time with Matt’s extended family whom we rarely get to see. We told stories and laughed and cried. Paul was honored and celebrated at his funeral and the family got a small glimpse of the lives he touched during his 80 years. Those are the things that really matter. Math can wait. Frozen pizzas can be delicious and underwear can be turned inside out (we actually didn’t get that desperate ;) ). People matter. Relationships matter.
In light of this realization, there are many things that have to get done on a daily or weekly basis. I’ve often felt like I shouldn’t ask for help because I chose this. I chose to be a stay at home mom and I chose to homeschool. I should be able to manage our home by myself because Matt works full-time. He shouldn’t be expected to do laundry or fix dinner. That’s my job. However, thanks to a dear friend who keeps me grounded, I was reminded that I didn’t choose this life. God chose me to live this life. He chose me to be a ministry wife. He chose me to be the stay-at-home mom to these 3 boys. He chose me to educate them. He didn’t choose me because I am perfect. Far from it. He chose me to do this crazy hard job because he knows I’m not perfect and I can’t do it on my own. First and foremost, He is my Sustainer. But along with the enormity of that, He placed people in my life to encourage me, to challenge me and to support me.
I can’t be expected to do it all. I’m the one who puts that expectation on myself. Recently I decided to ask for help. I asked my mother-in-law to watch our 4 year old once a week. She was happy to do it. She looks forward to spending time with him and I get a little quiet time to focus on things I need to focus on. My parents also keep him often on Friday nights and usually whenever I ask them to. This is something I’m learning I shouldn’t feel guilty about. It allows me time to refresh and use my brain for things other than Legos and Paw Patrol. It allows me to focus on him more when he’s home with me because I don’t have to split that time up with blog posts, menu planning or math grading.
So, are we going to continue to work on getting in bed earlier and getting up earlier? Yes. Are we going to get back on the Bible reading plan? Yes. Are we going to be consistent at spending meaningful time in the Word and working out before our day begins? Yes. Am I going to accomplish everything on my list - or even half of my list - daily? No. Am I going to get it right every day? Not even close. Am I going to embrace beautiful moments with those I love even if that means messing up my schedule? Absolutely. Am I going to give myself grace when I feel like I’ve failed at my job? That will take some work, but yes.
Most of the time life doesn't go how we plan or even how we want it to, but sometimes it goes exactly how we need it to.